Max and Donna I don’t want to keep Pastor waiting. I’m sure he’s got a lot to do besides talk to Max froze for a millisecond, even as his brain screamed at him to say She smiled radiantly, and Max nearly melted. “Hi.” Max felt as though English was his second language. He forced his words Some of Max’s nervousness faded as he sensed his opening. “Oh, that’s why As their palms met, Max was overpowered by a vision. He and Donna were Donna was stunned silent for a different reason. She was back in her dream, “Hey there, Bro. Max. I see you’ve met my star pupil.” Both of them jumped slightly as their joint focus returned to the here and “Sister Donna and the other new members will receive the Right Hand Of Both of them immediately turned a shade of red neither of them thought they “Brother Max, this is Donna’s friend, Yolanda Mason. Sister Yolanda, this is The pastor gestured to a woman Max hadn’t even noticed was there. I was right, the pastor thought. I believe Max knows what he wants, and “You’re right on time for our appointment, Brother Max. Everyone else has Max was determined to muster up some shred of dignity. “Sounds good to Yolanda spoke for a suddenly speechless Donna. “Sure, see you The two women walked out in silence. Max watched them until they turned Pastor Nathan smiled. “Looks to me like we have more to discuss then just Max chuckled. “That’s an understatement.” Merry Lucas She had thought through a dozen different scenarios, each of which would hasten his admission into Gracelawn Internment Center. However, each of these methods would also ensure Merry a very long stay in the Baylor Women’s Correctional Institute, and quite possibly the notoriety of becoming one of the few women in Delaware history to receive the death penalty. I can’t just walk up and shoot him, Merry thought, and I can’t just go set his house on fire. It has to be something less suspicious. Merry had awakened screaming for the seventh time in as many days, and with little hope of getting back to sleep, had chosen to get up and do some work. However, work failed to distract her attention this time. Nothing could, not after her father had humiliated her yet again. I should have known better than to call him, she thought. The only way I’ll ever see a penny of that money is if he dies and I inherit it. And there are a whole lot of folks ahead of me in the will. She made a mental checklist of those family members: Karl’s current wife Taylor, Merry’s brother Bryan and Merry’s mother, Lorraine Lucas. It’ll be tricky, Merry thought, but I can make sure Karl dies and that there’s no competition when it comes time for his estate to be settled. And when that happens, I can afford to live in the style to which I’d love to become accustomed. Laughing, she turned on her TV and VCR and set to work again. 
Max pulled up in front of Calvary United African Christian Church and to
his surprise, found a parking spot close to the door. He got out quickly, checking
his watch to see if he was on time for his appointment.
me about whatever’s on his mind.
Max went through the sanctuary, out the side door and into the hallway
containing the meeting rooms. As he rounded a corner, he heard muffled
conversations and movement of chairs from a room directly in front of him. The
door opened, and just like that his dream woman was coming towards him.
something before she could leave. “Uh, hello.”
past a suddenly thick tongue. “Is, uh, is Pastor Nathan inside?”
Donna struggled slightly with her own words. “Yes, he just finished with New
Members Class.”
I’ve never met you before. I’m Max Carson.”
She smiled again and extended her hand. “Donna Randall.”
in the midst of a large social gathering of some kind. He wore a black suit and
Donna wore a festive white gown; the implication was clear.
in those same woods beside that same clear body of water kissing the same
man whose face she couldn’t quite make out, and it felt like Paradise.
now.
Pastor Travis Nathan suppressed a laugh as he sized up the situation.
Fellowship at the eleven o’clock service tomorrow, but it looks like you’re way
ahead of me.”
could attain. Pastor Nathan looked pleased and decided to test Max further.
Max Carson. He’s one of my “good members.”
Yolanda stood near Donna with an amused look on her face. Max suppressed
his surprise and greeted Yolanda without a trace of nervousness
it’s not a date with Yolanda.
gone, so we can meet in here instead of going to my office. Is that okay with
you?”
me. Ladies, it was nice to have met you. See you in church tomorrow?”
tomorrow. Nice to have met you too.”
the corner.
establishing a church newsletter.”
Merry couldn’t figure out the best way to kill her father.
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GUILT AND RESPONSIBILITY
I paid two dollars for my HIV status.
Well, actually it was two dollars plus whatever I paid for the heroin, but the two dollars stands out in my mind because that transaction directly led to me becoming infected with HIV.
While I’m not sure the exact day and time it happened, I just know in my spirit that I became infected at the house in Baltimore where I did most of my using. Those of us who were regulars at that house had noticed that there was a high number of us who died, and nobody thought it was strange. Looking back, I now know why. All those heart attacks and “natural causes” that those people died from were brought on by HIV/AIDS.
The two dollars I’m talking about is what it cost to use the house works. You could bring your own tools to shoot up with, or if you didn’t have any, you could rent the house equipment for two dollars. Because I was so bound by my addiction, I didn’t care enough to get my own works. I paid the two dollars most of the time, and it cost me dearly.
Have you ever thought of how many people you may have infected before you found out your HIV status? Talk about a heavy burden of blame. You can think things like “How many did I give this disease to before I knew what was going on? How many times did I re-infect myself with different strains of this disease? How many years have I taken off my life by not getting tested sooner?” If we choose to let it, HIV/AIDS can really open the door to devastating fears.
For those who are in the process of retracing their steps to find out if they might have infected someone (and then wondering how to tell those folks) the question “What do we do?” is real. It can be a bondage if we let it. Once you know what your HIV status is, you start wondering if maybe you and this person might have shared a toothbrush or maybe my blood got on her somehow if I had a cut or maybe we didn’t use condoms every time we had sex. I know someone out there is going through this.
Retracing was a blessing for me. As I went back over my life before the time when I knew I was HIV-positive and thought about the possibility that I might have given somebody the disease, the possibilities were limited. However, there were two.
One was the woman I was living with off and on at the time I learned I was infected. I began to wonder, “Did I infect her?” I know that God worked in that situation. I’m pretty sure she didn’t know any more than I did about HIV, but she told me one time that we wouldn’t do anything without me putting on a condom and she meant it. Thank God for her resolve; after I found out my diagnosis, she got tested, and to this day, she isn’t infected.
The second was because of my active addiction. I now know that intravenous drug use (due mainly to sharing needles) is the leading cause of HIV infection in African-Americans, but I didn’t know back then. For those of us who were into injecting drugs, how many times have we shared needles before we knew? As somebody who’s been there and done that, I can speak on this, and one person crosses my mind.
I made the decision to get clean after a long time using, and because of that, I got tested for HIV. But, after I received my diagnosis, I relapsed into active addiction. For three and a half months, I chose to go back to the world I knew best, using alcohol and drugs. I went back to the house I always used to frequent, and I went back in that room.
I believe I paid two dollars once again to use the house works that day, but I’m not sure. However, I am sure about this. For a few moments, God forgive me, I wanted to hurt somebody because I had this disease and I had zeroed in on the fact that I had got infected in this particular house. When that feeling passed, I still didn’t think about anything but getting what I needed and not interfering with anyone else in the house doing the same thing. I didn’t set out to intentionally use tools and pass them around the table, but I was back in the drug world, and my thinking mechanisms weren’t where they are today.
Lord help me, I shared a needle. I cleaned it, but did I clean it enough? I remember it was just the two of us in the room, and the other person was so anxious to get the drug in them. They were saying “Hurry up, hurry up!” Did I cleanse it well enough that they didn’t get the disease? I don’t know. I have had no contact with this person to this day, and it wasn’t until working on this book that I thought about it.
I ask God to forgive me if I hurt anyone, intentionally or unintentionally, after I found out I was HIV-positive. I truly ask God to forgive me and for the strength to remember the modes of transmission and even if the opportunity presents itself, that I will have the good sense to think and not do that to anybody. That is a horrible thing to inflict on someone else’s life.
We could easily change the wording of the title from I Really Didn’t Mean To Get HIV to I Really Didn’t Mean To Infect Anyone Else. Isn’t that heart-wrenching? Because I didn’t know, I perhaps gave this disease to somebody else. That was not my intention, but it could be the case. As I learn to turn from my wicked ways- that’s called repentance- I can really see a change in me. God forgives if we are truly repentant. We don’t have to carry guilt or any other burden- we can take it to the Lord and leave it there.
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Fred And Yolanda Have A Close Call Yolanda spoke so quietly that Fred nearly missed her next words. She put her glass on the table next to the couch and paced nervously. Fred’s heart twitched. What do I do, he thought. How do I help her? Comfort her. Fred got off the couch and hugged Yolanda before he even realized that he’d felt those words dropped into his spirit. She welcomed his embrace like a hungry man reaches for food. “It won’t be like this forever, ‘Landa. God will show you what He has for you soon enough.” He gently rocked Yolanda in his arms, and started humming a familiar tune in her ear. Yolanda smiled as she recognized it. “What God has for me, it is for me- -” Fred didn’t know how much time had passed since he stopped singing. All he knew was that Yolanda was still in his arms and that she felt the same familiar hunger he felt. You been waiting for this a long time, player. She’s ready- go for yours. Get some of this while you can! As if urged on by the same harsh voice, Yolanda looked up into Fred’s eyes. What he saw there was unmistakable, and he felt powerless to do anything but meet her halfway. The first kiss was brief and tentative. Surprised at herself, Yolanda blinked and then offered her lips again. This kiss was anything but friendly. Max paused in the middle of preparing for sleep. Donna had been winding down from preaching, but she suddenly looked tense again. Stop! Fred pulled away from Yolanda so fast their lips sounded like a champagne cork releasing from the bottle. He slowly took a step back, praying for his heart rate to calm down and for the rest of his body to come under submission. What was that?, Yolanda thought, taking her own one step retreat. Where did that come from? “Yolanda, I, uh, I’m sorry about that. I was out of line. I shouldn’t have- - -.” Yolanda took another step back. “Fred, it was my fault. I shouldn’t have kissed you. I- -.” They fell silent for a moment. Words failed as they realized what would have happened if they hadn’t stopped kissing. Fred took a deep breath. “Do not be conformed to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is- his good, pleasing and perfect will.” Yolanda smiled. “Romans 12:2. Last Sunday’s Scripture.” “Yeah. And I’m glad God reminded me of that just now. By the world’s standards, what just happened here is fine. But we have a different standard to meet. I’m sorry for trying to take you there. And I need to leave right now!” Yolanda laughed. “I’m sorry too, Fred. We do a lot together, but I don’t think Extreme Kissing qualifies as a ‘friends hanging out’ activity.” Fred cracked up as he backed towards the door. “Got that right! I think we need to talk about this some more, but not face-to-face!” Yolanda laughed as he apologized yet again and beat a hasty retreat, thoughts of a freezing cold shower uppermost in his mind. 
“I used to be jealous of Max and Donna because they knew what God had for them and I was still guessing. But, deep down, I knew all along that I needed to be singing.”
“I still don’t know.”
“I know that feeling you talked about, but I only remember feeling that way when I helped Donna deal with her gift. I don’t think I’ve ever felt that way about something I did for myself.”
“Max, pray with me.”
“Okay. Any special requests?”
“I feel something in my spirit, Max. We need to pray for Yolanda. Fred too. I don’t know exactly why, but they need prayer, right now."
Long Term
I get to work fifteen minutes early to lock myself in my office and pray. I thank God for all the things that didn't happen while I was ravaging the female population of
Anyway, after I thank Him for all the bullets I dodged, I pray for the women from my past. I've encountered two since I got saved last year, and both were pleasantly surprised when I apologized. I know God has forgiven me, but I need to deal with the damage I did. They were all willing participants, but that doesn't excuse me using them.
The sound of high heels causes me to end my prayer and prepare to work. I'm Transitional Employee Coordinator for Statebank's credit card operation. I oversee all of the temporary employees in Customer Service (Correspondence and Phones) and Credit Analysis. My assistant Susan Lassiter is in my office every day promptly at nine A.M. to review the day's work. I tell her all the time how much I appreciate her. She made my transition from temp to HNIC easy, despite the fact that she was also in line for this position. It would be easy for her to sabotage me so she could get my position, but she's not like that.
““Nate, this is Medina Holloway.
I'm used to Susan introducing me to temps on their first day, but this is a huge surprise.
“He's the guy who approves your hours, so be nice to him.”
We laugh, but two of us have to force it.
Most men in my position would try to holler at Susan. Besides being such a great person, she is FINE. She's five seven (which puts her about at my chest), and her figure is provocative. But, I decided that dating coworkers isn't a good idea when you're the boss. I can tell
Help me, Jesus.
I shake her hand while I fight to free my tongue from its temporary paralysis.
“Welcome back to Statebank,
Susan raises an eyebrow. “I didn't know you'd worked here before.”
I ignore the frosty attitude in her voice and the anger in my gut. The five minutes it took to get through my standard new temp spiel seemed like five hours, but Susan finally takes the heifer out of my office. When the door closed behind them, I prayed again.
“God, I asked to find women I slept with, and You sent me the one that did me wrong! What am I supposed to do with her?”
I remember something Pastor Nathan said in his sermon yesterday. “Prayer isn't just us telling God what to do and asking for stuff; prayer also involves listening.
“Okay God, I'm gonna keep listening, but I better get to work before I get fired. I hope I hear the answer when You give it.”
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